Kylian, Welcome to Hat-Trick Club And welcome to you too As you know, the first rule of Hat-Trick Club is you have to have scored a Hat-Trick for your club Or country Or country. Which we did earlier today… Sorry I’m late… Late? You’re not even on the entry list! What? You’re not my dad! Or my mum! Even though you look like her… Stop pulling my hair you son of a female dog Tell him, Kylian… Neymar, I’m afraid the first rule of hattrick club is you have to have scored a hattrick for your club… Or count… Don’t you call me names I was going to say country… And stop pulling my hair you son of a female dog Serves you right. Long hair is for girls What? You had dreadlocks last week! Dreadlocks is long hair but for cool people Cool? You looked like Whoopi Goldberg I mean it! Stop pulling my hair! I’m going to kick your bum in a minute… Who says kick your bum… Read it and weep Whoopi, 9-0. 3 for me, 3 for him, 2 for you… No hattrick! No matchball!
Now go away You haven’t heard the last of this! Jeez. He’s so selfish. Now, this is the part where we are supposed to get our balls out and admire them… What? Our match balls silly… Oh, thank goodness But, we both scored hat-tricks Correct! And there is only one matchball… Oh. So what do we do? Well, there’s nothing in the Hat-trick club rules about hat-tricks in the same game… But luckily there is in my contract “In the event of somebody else scoring a hattrick in the same game as Mr. Cavani, that’s me, Mr. Cavani will be awarded the match ball…” Oh, come on… It says it right here… Let me see Just there… Move your finger… What? That’s been added in pencil! Not it hasn’t! That’s just… That’s just the font Kylian! VAR! Oh, not this again. Get out Whoopi! Stop telling me what to do, MOM! Stop pulling my hair! Kylian, tell him… Well you just claimed my ball, so you’re on your own Just like in the canteen every day… Okay, how about I let you hold my ball… That sounds a bit gay Grow up, Kylian? No! Okay. How about I give you half of my ball… Still sounds gay Grow up! It’s 2019! There is nothing wrong with being gay There is if he’s not gay and you’re trying to get him to hold your balls I’m talking about the match ball Oh, like these? Here Kylian, have one of my balls… Sounds a bit gay… Homophobe! What?! Apologise immediately! But that’s what you said… Say sorry, or I’ll tell the press… Jeez, sorry… Apology accepted Now let’s put that behind us and move on… we have one match ball each Let’s get admiring each other’s balls… Where did you even get those match balls? They were all around the pitch There was more than one match ball? Yes. It was multi-ball. It’s not 1972… That’s probably what Edison’s barber says when he sees that hair-do every week… Kylian, problem solved! Now you have a matchball So you can tell Whoopi he can’t stay coz he didn’t score a hattrick! But Neymar did scored a hattrick for his club… No he didn’t! Yes he did You just wrote that in pencil! No I didn’t. It’s just the font Edison! Luckily I never come here without a rubber… Sounds a bit gay… HOW DOES THAT SOUND A BIT F**** GAY!? HE HIT ME! WAIT TIL THE PRESS HEAR ABOUT THIS! I’m F****** out of here! “CAVANI BEATS TEAMMATE IN VIOLENT HOMOPHOBIC RAGE!” Screw Hat-Trick Club! Correction: “VIOLENT AND FOUL MOUTHED HOMOPHOBIC RAGE!” Foul-mouthed? I said screw! CAVANI COMMAND TEAMMATES TOO SCREWED IN BASEMENTS And as far as I’m concerned, you can shove your ***** balls up your ******** ass! THERE HE GOES AGAIN! I meant shove your ******** match balls up your ********* ass! That’s even worse! That’s practically S&M! **** OFF! Too funny I think you went a bit far this time…