WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO
“THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. FINALLY–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FINALLY, FRIENDS, AFTER THE
DISASTER IN IOWA, WE HAVE A CLEAR AND DECISIVE WINNER:
SIBA, THE STANDARD POODLE WHO WON BEST IN SHOW AT THE
WESTMINSTER! NOT SURPRISED SHE WON. LOOK AT THAT GROOMING. I’M TELLING YOU, IF HE’S SERIOUS
ABOUT WINNING, TOM STEYER OUGHT TO STEAL HER LOOK. NICE HAUNCHES. LAST NIGHT, WE ALSO GOT THE
RESULTS OF THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY. I’LL TELL ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT’S EDITION OF…>>I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.>>A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.( HORN BEEPING )
>>DONALD TRUMP’S WORST NIGHTMARE.>>YOU’RE A LYING DOG-FACED PONY
SOLDIER.>>I THINK THEY WILL END UP
BEING THE LOSERS.>>”FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE
HOUSE, 2020!”>>Stephen: NOW THE WINNER–
( APPLAUSE )
THE WINNER IN THE GRANITE STATE
WAS VERMONT SENATOR AND MAN REGRETTING PICKING A JAY-Z SONG
AT KARAOKE, BERNIE SANDERS. BERNIE WAS GRACIOUS IN HIS
VICTORY SPEECH.>>LET ME TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY
TO THANK THE PEOPLE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE FOR A GREAT VICTORY
TONIGHT!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE REASON THAT WE WON TONIGHT HERE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE AND LAST
WEEK IN IOWA–( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS BECAUSE OF THE HARD WORK OF SO MANY VOLUNTEERS.>>Stephen: ( AS BERNIE )
“I WANT TO THANK MY VOLUNTEERS, I WANT TO THANK THE UNPAID
LABORERS WHO– OH, MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I BECOME?! I’M A CAPT LIFT SWINE WHO
BENEFITS OFF THE TOIL OF THE 99%. I’VE BECOME THAT WHICH I MOST
ABHORRED! I AM NOW THE MAN! LET’S STICK IT TO ME!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
FINISHING A STRONG SECOND WAS FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR AND
BIRTHDAY BOY VOLUNTEERING AT THE MAGIC SHOW, PETE BUTTIGIEG. DURING HIS SPEECH, MAYOR PETE
BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT: GAVE BERNIE A BIT OF A
BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT:>>I ADMIRED SENATOR SANDERS
WHEN I WAS A HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT.>>Stephen: SUBTLY DONE. BUT IT IS TRUE, PETE DID
ACTUALLY ADMIRE BERNIE IN HIGH SCHOOL. HE EVEN WROTE AN ESSAY ABOUT HIM
THAT WON THE “PROFILE IN COURAGE” ESSAY CONTEST. “PROFILES IN COURAGE,” OF COURSE
WAS WRITTEN BY J.F.K., WHO ALSO WROTE A HIGH SCHOOL ESSAY ABOUT
LOOKING UP TO BERNIE SANDERS. THE THIRD-PLACE FINISHER WITH
20% OF THE VOTE WAS MINNESOTA SENATOR AND ABBY CADABBY’S
STEP-MOM, AMY KLOBUCHAR. DURING HER SPEECH LAST NIGHT,
KLOBUCHAR LAID ON THE MIDWESTERN GRIT THICK.>>MY GRANDPA WORKED 1,500 FEET
UNDERGROUND IN THE MINES OF NORTHERN MINNESOTA. HE HAD NINE BROTHERS AND
SISTERS, AND HE HAD TO HELP RAISE THEM. HE AND MY GRANDMA SAVED MONEY IN
A COFFEE CAN IN THEIR BASEMENT TO SEND MY DAD TO A TWO-YEAR
COMMUNITY COLLEGE. MY DAD THEN BECAME A
NEWSPAPERMAN. MY DAD STRUGGLED WITH
ALCOHOLISM. MY MOM? SHE WAS BORN IN MILWAUKEE.>>Stephen: (AS KLOBUCHAR)
“MY GODFATHER WAS BOB SEGER. MY UNCLE DIED IN THE CHEESE
MINES FROM CHEDDAR LUNG.( LAUGHTER )
MY FIRST-GRADE TEACHER WAS A DAIRY COW. WE COULDN’T AFFORD A TV, SO WE
LISTENED TO VIKINGS GAMES ON A RADIO WE MADE OUT OF BEER
BOTTLE TOPS AND GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE. I AM MIDWESTERN TO THE CORE.”( APPLAUSE )
NEW HAMPSHIRE ALSO HAD SOME WINNERS WHO WON LESS THAN THE
ACTUAL WINNERS. COMING IN AT FOURTH PLACE,
WAS MASSACHUSETTS SENATOR AND MUSIC TEACHER TELLING THE TENORS
♪ MMMM, I’M UP HERE! ♪ ELIZABETH WARREN. SENATOR WARREN HAS NOT PERFORMED
AS WELL AS SHE EXPECTED SO SHE COMFORTED SUPPORTERS LAST NIGHT
AT HER NEW HAMPSHIRE PARTY BY SERVING SWEDISH MEATBALLS AND
BRISKET. THAT’S A LOT OF MEAT. DID THEY LET HER DOG, BAILEY,
PLACE THE ORDER?( AS BAILEY, ON PHONE )
“HELLO? MEAT! BALL! MEATBALL. ‘RISKET!”
( LAUGHTER )
( AS SALESPERSON ON PHONE )
“IS THIS A DOG?”( AS BAILEY )
“RUH-ROH. RYE-RYE. OOO, GARLIC KNOTS!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE
ONE OF THE BIGGEST NOT-WINNERS WAS FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE
BIDEN, SEEN HERE TAKING A QUICK MID-SENTENCE NAP.( LAUGHTER )
GET THEM WHILE YOU CAN. BIDEN’S LACKLUSTER PERFORMANCES
HAVE A BEEN A HUGE SURPRISE. AND NOW, EVEN BIDEN’S OWN
PEOPLE ARE HAVING TROUBLE HIDING THEIR ANXIETY. ONE UNNAMED ADVISER TOLD
REPORTERS, “I KNOW WE’RE SUPPOSED TO SAY WE’RE GOING TO
WIN, BUT I JUST DON’T KNOW. THIS IS HORRENDOUS. WE’RE ALL SCARED.” IT’S NOT GREAT WHEN YOUR
CAMPAIGN SOUNDS LIKE A CIVIL WAR LETTER HOME. “MY DEAREST JILL, WE FLED NEW
HAMPSHIRE AFTER A MISERABLE DEFEAT AND HAVE RETREATED TO
MAKE OUR LAST STAND IN SOUTH CAROLINA. I THOUGHT WE COULD WIN, BUT I
GUESS I’M JUST A LYING, DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.”( LAUGHTER )
“YOURS, JOSEPH.”( APPLAUSE )
“YOURS, ALWAYS.” LAST NIGHT WAS ALSO THE END OF
THE FURY ROAD FOR SOME CANDIDATES, LIKE COLORADO
SENATOR AND MOM’S NEW BOYFRIEND WHO WANTS TO GET COFFEE
ONE-ON-ONE “JUST TO GET TO KNOW YA BETTER, BUD,” MICHAEL BENNET. AFTER GETTING LESS THAN 1% IN
NEW HAMPSHIRE LAST NIGHT, BENNET PROMPTLY DROPPED OUT OF THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE. THIS WAS SHOCKING TO ALL THE
VOTERS WHO HAD NO IDEA HE DROPPED INTO THE PRESIDENTIAL
RACE.( LAUGHTER )
SEEMS LIKE A NICE GUY. BENNET WAXED POETIC ABOUT THE
STATE HE JUST LOST, SAYING, “I LOVE YOU, NEW HAMPSHIRE. WHETHER YOU KNEW IT OR NOT, WE
WERE HAVING A GREAT TIME TOGETHER.”( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW. BIT OF A CREEPY NOTE TO GO OUT
ON, I GOTTA SAY. “I LOVE YOU, NEW HAMPSHIRE. WHETHER YOU KNEW IT OR NOT. I WATCH YOU WHEN YOU SLEEP.”( LAUGHTER )
THE OTHER DROPOUT WAS TECH ENTREPRENEUR AND MAN SPECIFYING
THAT HE WANTS HIS FOOD PREPARED BY A CHEF WHO HASN’T EVEN
HANDLED CILANTRO, ANDREW YANG. WHICH MEANS YANG’S OUT OF A JOB. YOU KNOW WHAT HE COULD USE? $1,000 A MONTH.( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
EARLIER TODAY– TODAY? JUST TODAY. THE DEMOCRATIC FIELD LOST FORMER
MASSACHUSSETTS GOVERNOR AND MAN SAYING, “WAIT. THE GUY WITH THE
MOST VOTES WINS?” DEVAL PATRICK. SO LET’S REMOVE DEVAL PATRICK
FROM OUR ARRAY OF DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES. AND… OOPS, WE NEVER PUT HIM IN.( LAUGHTER )
PATRICK, GET IN HERE. GET IN THERE, SIR! THERE YOU GO. NOW, GET OUT OF THERE! GET OUT OF THERE! WE ALSO HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO
MICHAEL BENNET. HE WILL BE MISSED. STOP WATCHING US, MICHAEL
BENNET! THAT’S CREEPY! I’M GOING TO CALL THE COPS! AND LET’S ALSO SAY FAREWELL TO
THE MAN WHO WARNED US ABOUT THE DANGERS OF AUTOMATION,
ANDREW YANG. AND THE ROBOTS HAVE COME FOR
HIM. SO LONG. SO LONG, MR. YANG. MICHAEL BENNET! GET OUTTA HERE! SHOO! SHOO! NOW, OUR CURRENT COMMANDER IN
CHIEF HOSTED THE PRESIDENT OF ECUADOR IN THE OVAL OFFICE
TODAY, WHICH BRINGS US TO TODAY’S EDITION OF:
>>”CHAIR CHAT.”>>Stephen: WITH ALL THE TURMOIL
SURROUNDING ROGER STONE’S SENTENCING, TRUMP TRIED TO MUDDY
THE WATERS BY CLAIMING EVERYBODY ELSE SHOULD BE PROSECUTED.>>WHERE’S COMEY? WHERE IS COMEY? WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MCCABE? WHAT’S HAPPENING TO LISA AND
PETER STRZOK, AND LISA PAGE? WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH THEM?>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“WHERE’S WALDO? WHERE IN THE WORLD IS
CARMEN SANDIEGO? WHAT’S THE FREQUENCY, KENNETH? WHAT’S NEW, PUSSYCAT? WHO WROTE THE BOOK OF LOVE? THAT GUY SHOULD BE IN JAIL, THE
BOOK OF LOVE GUY.”( APPLAUSE )
NOW, FOR SOME REASON, TRUMP WAS ASKED WHO HE THINKS THE
DEMOCRATIC FRONTRUNNER IS.>>BERNIE LOOKS LIKE HE IS DOING
VERY WELL. I THINK PEOPLE LIKE HIS MESSAGE. HE’S GOT ENERGY. HIS PEOPLE HAVE ENERGY, BUT
THEY LIKE HIS MESSAGE.>>Stephen: YEAH, YEAH, THEY
LIKE IT. WHAT WAS BERNIE’S MESSAGE AGAIN?>>WE ARE GOING TO UNITE
TOGETHER AND DEFEAT THE MOST DANGEROUS PRESIDENT IN THE
MODERN HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).>>Stephen: HE’S RIGHT. A LOT OF PEOPLE DO LIKE THAT
MESSAGE. WE’VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. WILL FERRELL IS HERE. STICK AROUND! WILL FERRELL.