Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Say, have you ever wanted to see Carey Elwes, Gary Oldman, Urkel, Gabriel Byrne, Pierce Brosnan, Balki from Perfect Strangers, Jane Seymour, that chick from Heroes, Don Rickles, and Eric Idle in a movie together? No, nobody wants to see that! But they did it! In this fucking piece of shit called Quest for Camelot. Back in the mid nineties when animation studios were trying to take down Disney by…doing exactly what they did, Warner Brothers gave us Quest for Camelot. This cheap, uninventive knockoff of the Disney style is so bland and so inpassionate that you’d swear the steel they’re fighting with would make much better characters. And actually, some of them do. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s take a look at this medieval blast from the ass and see why it should’ve stayed in the Dark Ages. So we start off in Pride Schlock as we see our main hero, who’s a girl named Kayley. Awwwww. She’s the daughter of one of the knights of the round table, played by Gabriel Byrne. What’s the knight’s name? Well, it doesn’t really matter, they’re having fun in this opening, which obviously means he’s a goner. Kayley: I’m coming with you, daddy! Father: Yes, when you’re old enough, Kayley. Kayley: One day, I’ll be a knight. Like father. Well, you better work on growing that penis, honey. It’s the Dark Ages, it sucks for everybody. So the father joins the other knights as they venture towards their destination. They ride to… Camelot! ♪We’re knights of the round table♪ No, no, no no no no no! This is meant to be taken seriously. The real deal. There aren’t any singing knights in this version. ♪ Each of us will now divide ♪ ♪ in equal shares our countryside ♪ Ugh. Alright, but if any of those knights are Richard Harris I’m getting the fuck outta here. Liberty! Justice! Trust! Wind! Water! Heart! Freedom! Peace! Honor! Tyrannosaur! Mastodon! Pterodactyl! Goodness! Strength! Valor! Bobby! Annette! Now, I don’t wanna give anything away here, but one of these guys is going to be the villain. Can you guess who? Wow, you’re…you’re a dumbass. Actually, it’s this guy, and his name is Ruber. And wouldn’t you know it, he’s played by Gary Oldman, who played ANOTHER obvious bad guy that everybody trusted as Dr. Smith in Lost in Space. Which, oddly enough, came out the exact same year this movie did. C’mon, Gary Oldman, you’re a great actor. Why were you choosing these obvious villain roles at the time? I mean, there’s just nothing subtle about them. [boom] Dr. Smith: Did somebody question my subtle acting?! NC: Oh cm’on, Dr. Smith, you’re about as subtle as a fucking train wreck. NC: On a boat. Dr. Smith: Oh, come now, there are several differences between me and that Ruber fellow. Dr. Smith: For example, I want to seize power and control through a legion of spiders! NC: But…that Ruber guy wants to seize power and control too. Dr. Smith: But not with spiders! NC: Oh, for God’s sake – you know what you need to do, Dr. Smith? Dr. Smith: Does it involve spiders? NC: No! You need to be diabolical. NC: Actually fool people into thinking you’re a kind, gentle, caring person. You think you can do that? Dr. Smith: Think the boat’s sort of sailed on that one. NC: Alright, well, don’t bother me anymore, I’ve got a review to do. Dr. Smith: Wait! There’s one more important thing! It’s imperative that you must know! NC: What, what!? Dr. Smith: SPIDERS! [gunshot] [yelp] Dr. Smith: You’re doomed! Doomed! [gunshot] [yelp] So Ruber goes mad with power and tries to take Arthur’s sword and throne. The other knights stop him, but Kayley’s father is killed in the process. Big flippin’ surprise. They bury him at his home as Kayley tries to adjust to not having a father anymore. ♪if you were with me now♪ What, you squeeze a horse’s mane, you get a song? ♪ find myself- ♪ [record scratch] ♪ Baby love- ♪ [record scratch] ♪na na na- ♪ [record scratch] ♪ Ducktales, woo-oo ♪ Cut to years later as Kayley has grown up into- HI, Belle from Beauty and the Beast! Fancy your image being shamefully ripped off here! I mean my God, they’re not even trying! It’s Belle! It’s fucking Belle! Look, just change the outfits around a bit here, and… Yeah! It’s Belle! It’s fucking Belle! Okay, okay, maybe I’m being too critical, I mean, maybe she just looks like her. It’s not like they both run through the fields with their arms open, feed animals on a farm, or sing a song about wanting more out of life and being stuck in an environment that doesn’t welcome her free spirit. Oh wait, yes they fucking do! So while she still dreams about being a knight, King Arthur and his round table talk about how nothing horrible is going wrong just before something horrible goes wrong. A griffin comes and steals Excalibur, but suddenly loses it in a valley of thorns. Uh, what are those things? Are those monsters? Are those magic beings? Wha… Explain, movie! What, nothing? Nothing at all? Okay, we’ll just ignore the giant elephant in the room a while longer. So the knights send out the word about Excalibur’s theft. ♪ Ricola ♪ [horn blasts] Man: Excalibur, it’s been stolen! I should know, I speak…horn. So Kayley wants to be a great knight by finding Excalibur and returning it to Camelot. Mother: That’s a job for the knights, not for a young girl. Kayley: But I want to be a knight! Kayley: I’ll go on grand adventures, fighting evil, rescuing damsels in distress! Hello, hot character trait! Kayley: What is a damsel anyway? Goodbye, hot character trait. Kayley: I want to save Camelot! But before she can become the world’s greatest knight, Ruber takes over their village. How? By doing the most diabolical thing he can possibly fathom. Singing! Ruber: ♪ I have a plan, it includes you! ♪ Ruber: ♪ you, Julianna, will lead me to… ♪ Ruber: Camelot! Ruber: Now watch me create my mechanical army! Ruber: With pride- Okay, is he just making up this song as he goes? Seriously, I can’t even catch the melody. Ruber: ♪now I’m back, and I will be staying this time♪ C’mon, Whose Line is it Anyway hoedowns sound more rehearsed than this! And those were improvised! Ruber: With this potion- Wait, Acme? What? Chicken, green… Smoke, zapping… Now he’s an axe, wha-what?! What, what… WHAT?! Hi, remember me? I’m the audience! You wanna fill me in on what the fuck’s going on?! Okay, from what I can gather, I guess, Ruber has a magic juice that can combine living things with inanimate objects, so he uses it to meld his followers into half-men, half-weaponry. But…what’s the story behind it? I heard something about some witches he bought it from. What, witches are working at the Acme Corporation? The Acme Corporation supports the black arts? How does this work? You wanna elaborate a little bit? Explain, movie! Explain! Anyway, while that’s going on, Kayley escapes in probably the most improbable way possible. The guard just lets her go. Really. You couldn’t come up with a better reason than that. How distracted are these guards? Now we’ve gotcha! We’re never gonna let you go and- [gasp] I have hands! So the griffin returns as it turns out he’s been working for Ruber all this time. But unfortunately, he informs him that he lost Excalibur. Ruber: Excalibur is the one thing that can keep me from my conquest of Camelot! Ruber: [indecipherable screaming] I took screaming lessons from the villain in Warriors of Virtue! ♪ I pray you’ll be my eyes ♪ ♪ and watch her where she goes ♪ Wait a minute, I know this song. This is The Prayer, that song that’s been sung by like, everybody? Celine Dion, Josh Groban, Charlotte Church? This is a really famous song. THIS is where it came from?! You gotta be shitting me! No way could this story inspire a song that popular, they had to have written it before they even knew about the movie! But hey, maybe I’m wrong, maybe this scene and that song go perfectly together, maybe you can’t imagine one without the other, they just match up perfectly. I don’t know, let’s take a look. ♪ lead her to a place ♪ ♪ guide her with your grace ♪ ♪ to a place where she’ll be safe ♪ Unbelievable. Not even close! I have never seen a song so poorly matched up. You got monsters with weapons for hands, a young woman fleeing in fear, a chase scene into a creepy forest and a chicken who’s a fucking axe! Are those really the images that come to your mind when you hear this song? If so, then you are FUCKED! I mean this song simply doesn’t go in an action scene! How would you like it if in Sin City, they started playing this song over the really intense moments? ♪ lead us to a place ♪ ♪ guide us with your grace ♪ ♪ to a place where we’ll be safe ♪ So she enters the forbidden forest where the henchmen are not far behind. “I’m still going to be the world’s greatest knight!” “That’s why I’m running away from danger that’s closing in behind me!” “But I’m doing it very bravely.” But she’s saved by a hermit named Garrett, played by Carey Elwes, a blind man who, quite frankly, makes Daredevil’s moves look like a five year old gymnast. So Kayley tells Garrett about the stolen sword as they rush to retrieve it. Garrett: Right. We’re going after it. Kayley: Great! Garrett: Not you. Me and Aiden. We work alone. Yes, in medieval times, even a blind man has more credibility to go into danger than a woman does. It pays to have balls. Kayley: Well I see no reason why I can’t come along. Garrett: ♪ I know the sound- ♪ Ah! Whose voice is that? Carey Elwes suddenly transformed into Clay Aiken. ♪ like every tree stands on its own ♪ ♪ reaching for- ♪ Uhh, wait, how can the plants move? What, what…leaves are flying? What is this? This is Camelot, not fucking Ferngully! How the fuck are they able to do this? ♪ reaching for the sky, I stand alone♪ I’m sorry, this just really irritates me! Why do the plants fucking move? You’re not writing Lord of the Rings, you can’t just make up your own theology! This one already exists! If you’re gonna have plants move, you have to have a reason for it! Explain, movie! Explain! ♪ -by myself ♪ ♪ I stand alone ♪ Kayley: I just need your help this once. Garrett: Alright, alright. But you just sung a friggin’ song about why she can’t come with you, and then all of a sudden she can? I really want to come with you. No. ♪Like every tree stands on-♪ Please? Oh alright. [ding] But the comedic axe chicken (God, I can’t believe I just put those words together) tells Ruber about Kayley’s escape. Ruber: You! Report! “Well, the plot makes no sense, we have no originality, and the songs are gonna be more successful than the actual movie.” Ruber: You wretched mythological moron! Chicken: Who knows where Excalibur is? Oh, by the way, did I mention that the chicken is played by Jaleel White? Doesn’t that make him just so much more likable? (Sonic the Hedgehog voice) But if someone tries to touch you in a place or in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that’s no good. So just when you think the beaker of annoyance can’t possibly be filled any more, guess what else they toss our way? A double dragon. God, I wish. No, this is a funny two-headed dragon voiced by Eric Idle and Don Rickles. Together at last! Tall dragon: Camelot? The restaurants, the theatres… Short dragon: The waitresses, the actresses… Are they funny? No. But they do love to sing obnoxious songs that just pop the hell out of nowhere. ♪ I’d be rockin’ with the dinos, swingin’ with the rhinos ♪ ♪ I’d re-dragonize this cave- ♪ Oh hey, this is like that thing Robin Williams did in Aladdin with the comedic references to modern-day elements that won’t exist for hundreds of years, except when he did it, it was mildly annoying, and when you do it, it’s torturously annoying. ♪ well, if I didn’t- ♪ Yeah, where does Elvis fit into the Arthur legend exactly, huh? ♪ -have you ♪ Dragons: Thank you very much, thank you! Short dragon: Uh, you’ve never sung before, have you? [clapping] Kayley: C’mon Garrett! Short dragon: You don’t need him, honey. So…what, we’re just gonna move forward like nothing happened? Those two dragons just sung a three-minute song and you’re not even going to acknowledge it? These songs have no purpose! They’re like drive-by musicals! If you wanna have singing, fine! But make sure they have a point! Or are, you know, fucking entertaining! Short dragon: How ’bout holding your breath? So Rhubarb – oh, I’m sorry, Ruber – catches up with our heroes and attacks them. Ruber: Get them! But they all escape as Kayley gets Garrett somewhere safe to mend his wounds. Kayley: I’m sorry. Garrett: Shh. Garrett: ♪ look at the sky ♪ Oh, shut up! Does everybody have to sing in this movie?! Look at him, it actually looks like it’s hurting as he sings. Why would you sing if you’re in pain? Are you afraid a talent scout’s gonna drop by on your deathbed?! Kayley: ♪ I hear your heartbeat just go on for miles ♪ Kayley: ♪ and suddenly I know why life- ♪ Wait, wait… No. No. You can’t get away with that, movie! You need some explanation! How did a leaf evaporate into his skin and just magically cure him?! Nope! Nope, that does not happen, movie! That just does not happen! Unless you, oh, I don’t know, EXPLAAAAIN!! So after the healing touch of…leaves, they make it to the cave where Excalibur is. And it turns out it’s being held by… a rockbiter. Goblin: A rockbiter?! A rockbiter. For God’s sake, you’re not even trying. First you rip off Belle, and now you gotta rip off the rockbiter from Neverending Story. This is just painful! Rockbiter, what were you thinking? Rockbiter: It looked like a good, strong script, didn’t it? The bad guys enter as well, but luckily our heroes get Excalibur before they can touch it. Ruber: The ogre’s butt. Did he just say “the ogre’s butt?” Ruber: The ogre’s butt. Okay, that’s not a sentence, that’s a noun. That’s not even a good noun. In fact, this is where Gary Oldman should have known this movie was going to suck. When he had to just say the line “the ogre’s butt.” Gary: Gentlemen, I wanted to talk to you about this line. Man: Which is that? Gary: “The ogre’s butt.” Man: What about it? Gary: Is…is that it? Simply “the ogre’s butt?” Man: Yeah, it’s an ogre’s butt. What’s wrong with an ogre’s butt? Gary: Oh, nothing, I have nothing against the ogre’s butt, I’m sure the ogre’s butt is lovely. Gary: However, there doesn’t seem to be any reason for the ogre’s butt. Gary: How about perhaps a, uh, verb, or predicate clause? Gary: Like, “Look out for the ogre’s butt.” Gary: Or, “Oh no, we are under the ogre’s butt.” Gary: Or, if you’ll permit me, “Woe is me and all others who are trapped under ogre’s butt…eseses.” Man: Yeah, ogre’s butt isn’t plural. Gary: Duly noted, but at least that one came with a conjunction. Gary: Grammatically speaking, I think that makes the ogre’s butt much more palatable. Man: Look, just stick to the script. Gary: But I ask you, how does it make any sense? I’m a Shakespearean trained actor. Man: Hey, weren’t you that spider in Lost in Space? Gary: Ogre’s butt it is. Man: Get to work, puppet. Gary: [sigh] So our heroes get out and finally make it home. Kayley: Camelot. Patsy: It’s only a model. King Arthur: Shh. Kayley: Oh, Garrett! But just as they’re about to hand in the sword together… Garrett: You deliver it. I…I don’t belong in that world. What do you mean you don’t belong? You’re incredible! You see better than how most people can see! In fact, are you even blind? Garrett: Come on, Aiden. Garrett: ♪ like every tree- ♪ No. This makes no sense. You don’t belong in a world with cozy houses, comfy beds, and guaranteed security, but you do belong in a world of killer plants, giant monsters, and dragons that can fucking eat you. Hello, you’re not hard of hearing! Just listen to a good opportunity and take advantage of it! You…moron! Well, of course, the bad guys catch up with Kayley and steal the sword away from her. Ruber takes the potion out of his cleavage and forges Excalibur onto his arm. Thus Kayley is kidnapped and used as leverage for her mother to get the villains into Camelot. Oh, and in answer to your question earlier, honey, about what a damsel in distress is, it’s a stupid female who knows how to take care of herself but yet constantly has to be rescued. In other words: YOU! Ruber: Not a word. Guard: It’s Lady Julianna! Lower the bridge at once! “Also let in the dark shadowy figure with the black hood, black horse and black saddle.” “I’m sure he can be totally trusted.” “I’m still the world’s greatest knight!” Chicken: Ah! Bladebeak at your service! What?! Wait a minute! When did the chicken turn into a good guy? There was no transformation scene, he didn’t talk to anyone, there wasn’t even a line of dialogue! Aren’t you gonna fill us in, movie? Aren’t you gonna let us know what’s going on? JUST… EX… PLAAAAAIIN!! [explosions, screaming] Whew, oh… Sorry. So Kayley escapes, Ruber attacks, and Garrett changes his mind and comes back to help. Bladebeak: You’ve got to ask yourself, “Do I feel clucky?” Well? Do ya, punk? Sorry, I’m goin’ for two! [explosion] That’s it, I’m wrapping it up! They corner Ruber at the stone that Excalibur was pulled out of and trick him into slipping it back in. This causes some magical bullshit that blows him up and, get this, magically heals everybody. Why? How? I refer you to my first nuclear explosion. That’s right, everyone is totally and permanently healed… except for the blind guy. Hey, what the hell?! Give the fucker his eyes, you bastards! What, was saving everything that could possibly be saved in this movie just not enough for you? Excalibur’s a bunghole! So Kayley and Garrett are finally made knights, all the people rejoice, and celebrate by inventing river dance. Merlin: Well done, Aiden. “Heh heh, I did absolutely nothing. I was a complete waste of animation.” King Arthur: On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. Yeah, I think Arthur summed it up there. Quest for Camelot. A Medieval Times restaurant has more dignity than this piece of shit. The characters are ripoffs, the story has no connection to the Arthur legend, and, oh yeah, there’s a bajillion things that are never explained. In fact, I want an answer! I want an answer right now! And not only do I want an answer, I want it answered as the most innocent, perfect being that I can think of: Mary Poppins. That’s right, Mary Poppins is gonna be my representation of this movie. So tell me, Mary Poppins, how do you explain this bullshit that we just witnessed? Mary Poppins: First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear. Uh huh. Mary Poppins: I never explain anything. FUCK YOU BITCH! [gunshot] Oh my god! Oh my god, I just killed Mary Poppins! I just killed my first childhood icon! Good lord, that’s what this movie has done to me! Oh, Mary Poppins, I’m so sorry! Bert: Mary Poppins! [gunshot] BERT! Oh no, I killed Bert too! Okay, I gotta get out of here before I start killing any more innocent Disney characters! I’m the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don’t have to! Mickey Mouse: Haha! Hi, Mr. Nostalgia Critic! [gunshot] NC: Mickey! Oh no! I’m sorry, Quest for Camelot made me do it! Mickey: I…I understand. NC: Noooo! The ogre’s butt.