>>Stephen: YOU KNOW, WITH OVER
20 MILLION PEOPLE POSSIBLY LOSING HEALTH COVERAGE, FOLKS
ARE GOING HAVE TO LOOK FOR ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL TREATMENT,
LIKE PRAYER, OR BEING RICH, OR ( LAUGHTER )
PRAYING TO BECOME RICH. WELL, IN THESE DARK DAYS OF
DOUBT, THANK GOODNESS FOR GWYNETH PALTROW AND HER
LIFESTYLE BRAND GOOP. LAST WEEK, I TOLD YOU ABOUT
GOOP’S WELLNESS SUMMIT AND SOME OF THEIR GREAT HEALTH PRODUCTS
LIKE THEIR JADE EGG TO INCREASE VAGINAL MUSCLE TONE, LEADING TO
THE COMMON QUESTION AT GOOP PARTIES, “HOW MUCH CAN YOU
VAGINA BENCH?” ( LAUGHTER )
“DO YOU NEED A LIFT?” NOW GOOP HAS OUTDONE THEMSELVES
WITH “BODY VIBES,” WHICH THEY DESCRIBE AS WEARABLE STICKERS
THAT PROMOTE HEALING. PREVIOUSLY, IF YOU WANTED
WEARABLE STICKERS THAT PROMOTE HEALING, YOU HAD TO BUY A
BOX OF BANDAIDS. IT’S RIDICULOUS. BUT THESE STICKERS– THESE
STICKERS, JON, THEY’RE DIFFERENT. BECAUSE THEY’RE SPECIALLY
DESIGNED TO TREAT CONDITIONS LIKE HANGOVERS, HELP YOU WITH
“MENTAL FOCUS” AND EVEN MAN I AM SO THIRSTY, I NEED A
BIG, TALL BOX OF STICKERS. AND A TEN-PACK OF BODY VIBE
STICKERS COSTS JUST 60 BUCKS. YE, YEAH. FOR THAT PRICE, YOU’RE GOING TO
WANT TO PICK UP THEIR ANTI-ANXIETY STICKER FOR THE
PANIC ATTACK YOU’LL GET WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU SPENT YOUR RENT
MONEY ON STUFF THEY GIVE CHILDREN FREE AT THE DENTIST. THE BODY VIBE WEBSITE
GOOP-SPLAINS EXACTLY HOW THESE STICKERS WORK, SAYING, “HUMAN
BODIES OPERATE AT AN IDEAL ENERGETIC FREQUENCY. IF YOU TAP A FORK AND THEN HOLD
THIS NEAR ANOTHER FORK, IT WILL ALSO OSCILLATE AT THE SAME
FREQUENCY. THE THEORY IS THAT YOUR CELLS
CAN DO THE SAME THING WHEN USING OUR SMART STICKERS.” YES, GOOP HAS APPARENTLY
CONSULTED WITH TOP FORK SCIENTISTS TO CREATE THESE
STICKERS. SO WHAT GOOP IS SAYING IS BUY
THESE STICKERS, AND YOU CAN FORK YOURSELF. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NOW, GOOP EXPLAINS– BIG FANS. THEY’RE LOVING IT. GIVES HOPE. GOOP EXPLAINS WHY YOU CAN TRUST
THESE MIRACLE STICKERS. THEY ARE “MADE WITH THE SAME
CONDUCTIVE CARBON MATERIAL NASA USES TO LINE SPACESUITS SO THEY
CAN MONITOR AN ASTRONAUT’S VITALS DURING WEAR”
IN OTHER WORDS, YOU KNOW IT’S SCIENTIFICALLY VALID, BECAUSE… ASTRONAUT. ( LAUGHTER )
, OF COURSE, THIS RAISES THE QUESTION, WHAT DOES NASA HAVE TO
SAY ABOUT THE SPACE-AGE SMART STICKERS? WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, ONE
FORMER NASA SCIENTIST SAID, “WOW. WHAT A LOAD OF B.S. THIS IS.” ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YES, B.S., WHICH, OF COURSE, IS NASA JARGON FOR “BENEFICIAL
STICKERS.” AND ANOTHER NASA EXPERT
EXPLAINED THAT ASTRONAUTS “DO NOT HAVE ANY CONDUCTIVE
CARBON MATERIAL LINING THE SPACESUITS.” WELL, I’M GLAD WE CAUGHT THIS
NOW. NASA NEEDS TO BUY A BUNCH OF
THESE STICKERS BEFORE THEY SEND ANYBODY ELSE INTO SPACE. NOW, IF YOU’RE STILL SKEPTICAL,
THEN REST ASSURED, BECAUSE THE FOUNDERS OF THE COMPANY ARE
BOTH ESTHETICIANS. YES, THE LIFE-SAVING SCIENCE OF
BODY BRONZING AND BRAZILIAN WAXING, ALWAYS AN INTEGRAL PART
OF OUR SPACE PROGRAM. NEIL ARMSTRONG AND BUZZ ALDRIN
WERE SMOOTH AS AN EEL DOWN THERE. YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT STUFF
BURNING OFF ON REENTRY. WELL, AS YOU KNOW, I, TOO, HAVE
A CELEBRITY LIFESTYLE BRAND: COVETTON HOUSE. COVETTON FANS, GOOD TO KNOW. AND GOOP HAS INSPIRED US TO
EXPAND OUR OWN PRODUCT LINE. TAKE A LOOK. ♪ ♪ ♪
BAROQUE SIMPLICITY. SHABBY ELEGANCE. GIVE ME MONEY. ( LAUGHTER )
COVETTON HOUSE.>>Stephen: OH, HI. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ON.>>HI. I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT ME. HERE AT COVETTON HOUSE, WE KNOW
HOW HARD IT CAN BE TO BALANCE WORK, FAMILY, AND SKELETAL
VIBRATIONS. SO WE ARE PROUD TO OFFER A NEW
LINE OF WELLNESS SELF-ADHESIVES. INTRODUCING GLU-U. FIRST, MAKE SURE YOUR CHAKRAS
ARE ALL FULLY LEAKPROOF WITH A ROLL OF BODY-CONDUCTIVE CARBON
HEALTH STRIPS. ( LAUGHTER )
THIS HEALTH TAPE IS IMPORTED FROM THE BAVARIAN VILLAGE OF
“DUCT,” AND IS PAIRED WITH THESE TWO ENERGY PODS. NOW, THEIR MEDITATIVE PROPERTIES
ARE LISTED RIGHT ON THE BACK: AAAH. OKAY, NOW, WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO
WANT TO DO IS JUST TEAR A LENGTH ONE-THIRD THE SIZE OF YOUR AURA
AND AFFIX THE ENERGY PODS WHEREVER YOUR BODY NEEDS MAXIMUM
WELLNESS. OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH. THAT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MMMM. THAT’S WORKING ME ALREADY. ( LAUGHTER )
AND IT’S COMPLETELY PAIN-FREE, UNTIL YOU REMOVE IT. AND IF YOU’RE LOOKING TO TARGET
A SPECIFIC AILMENT, GET YOUR HANDS ON OUR
REVOLUTIONARY HEAL-IT NOTES. THIS IS THE SAME TECHNOLOGY USED
BY THE SCIENTISTS OVER AT 3M. JUST SPECIFY YOUR WELLNESS GOAL
WITH THE SHAMAN-APPROVED NUTRI-STYLUS. OH! MY SHACK RAS ARE GETTING DIZZY–
AND APPLY WHAT YOU WANT. FOR INSTANCE:
HAPPINESS. CALM. OR PICK UP MILK. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND IF WEIGHT LOSS IS YOUR GOAL,
REMEMBER: COVETTON HOUSE IS ALWAYS HERE TO LIGHTEN YOUR
WALLET.