– ALL RIGHT,
THIS IS THE ILLUSION. SOMEONE ASKED ME HOW I KEEP
MY BOWL CUT TIGHT. BOOM. YOU CAN SEE I KINDA
FARMED IT RIGHT THERE. THAT’S PRETTY RADICAL,
BUT… WE’RE NOT GONNA
SWEAT IT, DUDE. IT’S TIME TO WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND THE FACT
IT’S GONNA BE COLD AND YET THE SUN IS BRIGHT. – HEY, HE DID SAVE $8 BY NOT HAVING TO GO
TO FANTASTIC SAMS. SO WHO LOOKS DUMB NOW? THAT SOUL SURFER
IS THE ILLUSION, AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF WAYS TO DESCRIBE
A GENTLEMAN LIKE HIM. BURN-OUT, BEACH BUM, BRA,
OWEN WILSON. MOCK HIM ALL YOU WANT, BUT WHILE YOU SPEND YOUR DAY STRESSING OUT
ABOUT T.P.S. REPORTS, HE’S CRUISING
ON A WAVE CALLED LIFE. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU DEVOTE ALL YOUR BRAIN POWER TO TURNING THINGS
THAT AREN’T BONGS INTO BONGS. MY FAVORITE STONER
IS THE DUDE, BECAUSE DESPITE BEING
A TOTAL POTHEAD, HE STILL KNEW WHEN A RUG
TIED A ROOM TOGETHER. YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR ELEMENT,
DONNIE! JESUS WAS THE ORIGINAL DUDE, BECAUSE
HE TOLD HIS FOLLOWERS TO GIVE AWAY
ALL THEIR WORLDLY POSSESSIONS. THAT ALSO EXPLAINS
WHY HE WASN’T TOO POPULAR WITH THE JEWS. BEING A FREE SPIRIT MEANS YOU GET FOOD,
SHELTER, AND CLOTHING WITHOUT ACTUALLY
HAVING TO WORK. IT’S JUST LIKE BEING
A GIRLFRIEND. LISTEN, I’VE WALKED A MILE
IN YOUR BIRKENSTOCKS. WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, I USED TO SPEND MY SUMMERS
IN COSTA RICA LIVING OFF $20 A WEEK. I’VE BEEN BACK. AND YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES
THESE TRIPS BETTER? BEING ABLE TO AFFORD FOOD. YOU WANT TO GO OFF THE GRID,
FINE, BUT IT’S YOUR LOSS, BECAUSE THE DOW IS
THROUGH THE ROOF RIGHT NOW. I’VE ALWAYS SAID THE BEST WAY
TO STICK IT TO THE MAN IS TO SELL OUT
AND BE THE MAN. BUT THE ILLUSION
IS JUST A GENTLE SOUL IN A CRUEL WORLD. THAT’S WHY I PUT IT OUT
INTO THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED HIM
ON MY SHOW FOR THIS WEEK’S
CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE. THE TOSH ABIDES. [applause] YOU ARE PROFICIENT
IN POWERPOINT. – YES, SIR. – CONGRATULATIONS,
THAT WILL NEVER COME IN HANDY. PLUS YOUR NAME
IS ALSO DANIEL. WE’RE NOT GONNA HAVE
TWO DANIELS WORKING HERE. WE BARELY ALLOW
A JIM AND A JOE, OKAY? SO TAKE YOUR FANCY CARD STOCK AND GET THE [bleep]
OUT OF MY FACE. NEXT! – HEY, BRO.
HOW’S IT GOING? – OH, YOU MUST BE
THE ILLUSION. – THAT’S RIGHT. – DID YOU WRITE THIS RESUME
ON A FISH TACO WRAPPER? – ABSOLUTELY.
REDUCE, REUSE, RECYCLE. – DID YOU JUST
COME UP WITH THAT? – ORIGINAL.
– BECAUSE THAT IS GOLDEN. HOW MANY VIDEOS
HAVE YOU POSTED? – 450. – WHICH ONE OF THOSE VIDEOS
WAS YOUR MOST POPULAR? – THE BOWL CUT
MAINTENANCE VIDEO. – YOU DON’T REALLY APPEAR
TO HAVE A BOW CUT RIGHT NOW. – I’M GROWING IT OUT
FOR CHARITY. – HOW OLD IS THE ILLUSION?
– INFINITE. – HOW OLD ARE YOU? – MY PHYSICAL FORM
IS 43 YEARS OLD. – PHYSICAL FORM.
– YEAH, MY SPACE SUIT. GEMINI.
– I’M A FELLOW GEMINI. – I NEVER KNOW WHO I AM
WHEN I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING. – WHAT’S A TYPICAL DAY LIKE
IN THE LIFE OF THE ILLUSION? – WE GET UP, AND WE SORT OF
JUST JUMP INTO IT WITH NO PRECONCEIVED NOTION,
AND LET IT HAPPEN. – IS THERE
A MRS. THE ILLUSION? – NO, THERE’S NO MRS. ILLUSION. SHE’D BE KNOWN
AS THE HOLOGRAM. – HOW HAVE
THE BOGGELZ BEEN SELLING? – DO YOU HAVE A PAIR OF THESE
ON YOUR HEAD? I’M ASSURED THAT YOU DON’T. – YOU CANNOT THINK
THE BOGGELZ ARE A GOOD IDEA. – IT’S A FUNCTION
BEFORE FASHION ISSUE. – OKAY. WHEN YOU’RE AT BREAKFAST, DOES THE ILLUSION
GO BAGEL OR CROISSANT? – I DON’T REALLY LIKE FOOD,
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH. – YOU DON’T LIKE FOOD?
– I LIKE ICE CREAM. I SWITCHED FROM
COOKIES TO ICE CREAM, LIKE, TWO MONTHS AGO. – WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE
KIND OF COOKIE? – YOU KNOW, THE OREOS
FIND THEMSELVES AS A PREFERENCE. – WHAT ABOUT
A SNICKERDOODLE? – I GOT FIRST PLACE
SANTA CRUZ COUNTY FAIR FOR MY SNICKERDOODLES. – SNICKERDOODLE
FIRST PLACE CHAMPION? AND THAT’S
NOT ON YOUR RESUME? – I WAS YOUNG. – WHAT IS SPACESHIP EARTH? – IT’S THE ILLUSION REPORTING SOMEWHERE
ON SPACESHIP EARTH. – SPACESHIP EARTH IS
THIS HOLOGRAM WE’RE ALL EXPERIENCING
THAT WE KNOW AS EARTH, BUT IF YOU KIND OF
THINK OF IT AS A BIGGER ISSUE,
IT’S A SPACESHIP JUST JAMMING
THROUGH THE SOLAR SYSTEM. – IF WE WERE TO DRUG TEST YOU
RIGHT NOW FOR THIS JOB, WOULD YOU PASS? – ABSOLUTELY.
– WHOA. I THINK THAT BLEW
A LOT OF PEOPLE’S MINDS. – YEAH. – WHAT’S THE HIGHEST LEVEL
OF EDUCATION YOU’VE HAD? – COLLEGE,
BUT I DIDN’T GRADUATE. – WOULD YOU SAY COLLEGE
IS A WASTE OF MONEY OR NO? – I THINK IN TODAY’S SOCIETY, IT’S JUST A DEBT.
IT’S A BURDEN. I DON’T THINK YOU CAN
GET AHEAD WITH COLLEGE. I THINK YOU GO AFTER
YOUR DREAMS. – IT’S LITERALLY LIKE
I’M TALKING TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF
IN FIVE YEARS? – WHOA. FUTURE TRIPPING, MAN.
I DON’T DO THAT. – AH, THAT MIGHT BE
MY FAVORITE ANSWER I’VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. YOU JUST GET ELECTED
TO PRESIDENT. WHAT DO YOU DO ON DAY ONE? – MOVE OUT OF THE COUNTRY. – [laughs] DO YOU BELIEVE
A LOT OF CONSPIRACY THEORIES? – THEY’RE MORE LIKE
TRUTH REALITIES THAN CONSPIRACY THEORIES. THE WORLD’S RUN BY A CABAL
KNOWN AS THE NEW WORLD ORDER THAT ARE LOW-FREQUENCY BEINGS THAT ARE TRYING TO ZAP
OUR HIGH-FREQUENCY ENERGY AND KEEP US HERE
TRAPPED IN THIS HOLOGRAM. – GOT IT. ALL RIGHT,
JUST ONE LAST QUESTION. ARE YOU WILLING TO DO
WHATEVER I SAY AND WORK FOR FREE? – OH, YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. – WELL, THEN WELCOME ABOARD. YOU ARE OFFICIALLYTOSH.0’S
NEWEST INTERN, STARTING NOW. – CAN I GET OUT OF THIS SUIT? MY DAD NEEDS IT
FOR HIS JOB INTERVIEW. – YES. – MOST FAR-OUT DREAM
LAST NIGHT, MAN. MY BED TURNED INTO AN EAGLE,
AND I WAS GETTING TUBED, AND I WAS LIKE, “WHOA!” [phone rings] HELLO, YOU’VE REACHED
THE OFFICES OFTOSH.0.– HEY! PICK THOSE UP. – GOT YOU, THREE GRAMS. GOING ON A WEED RUN.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING? – I’LL TAKE AN EIGHTH. – ALL RIGHT.
– THANKS. – CAN YOU FRONT ME A GRAM? I PROMISE I’LL BRING CASH
TOMORROW. – SORRY, BABE.
NO CASH, NO KUSH. – ALL RIGHT, ILLUSION,
CAN YOU READ THAT BACK TO ME? – HUH?
I WAS DRAWING WAVES. – THOSE LOOK PRETTY SICK. – HA, THAT’S RIGHT. – HAVE YOU HEARD THE ILLUSION’S
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY STORY? – UH-UH.
– OH, MY GOSH. YOU’VE GOTTA ASK HIM ABOUT IT.
IT’S SO GREAT. – HEY, I HEARD YOU HAD A GREAT
MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY STORY. [dramatic music] – DON’T EVER MENTION THAT NAME
AROUND ME AGAIN. – HA. – THIS SEASON,
THE WARDROBE WILL BE BOGGELZ! – KNOCK IT OFF,
I TOLD YOU TO WALK MY DOGS. – ON IT. THIS IS MY NEW INVENTION,
THE SHOE-PER SCOOPER. IT’S GOT THE LONG LACES
TO ATTACH THE PUPS TO. IT’S GOT THE SCOOPS TO PICK UP
THE BISCUITS AS YOU GO. DON’T EVEN THINK
ABOUT STEALING THIS IDEA. HOWDY. – HOW DID YOU GET IN THERE? – I KNOW, RIGHT? AH, HARSH.
WOW, MAN. – GOOD NEWS, GUYS. THE ILLUSION’S GIVING OUT
FREE HAIRCUTS. E.J. IS FIRST. – WE’RE GONNA DO
THE TRADITIONAL BOWL CUT, WHICH IS SLIGHTLY CROOKED AND MAYBE A CHUNK
OUT OF THE BANGS THAT JUST ISN’T RIGHT. AND, YEAH, WE JUST KINDA
START CUTTING. MAKE IT INTO A BOWL. – SO YOU JUST EYEBALL IT.
– OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. – SHE LOOKS GOOD. DID YOU FARM IT
IN ANY PLACE? – YEAH, I BOTCHED THE WHOLE
THING PRETTY RADICALLY, BUT IT’LL GROW OUT. IT’S 3:15. THAT’S IT FOR ME TODAY.
MAN, I’M POOPED. – WHAT ABOUT OUR BOWL CUTS? –MANANA.– EH. SO WHAT DID YOU GUYS THINK
OF THE ILLUSION? – WHO?
– YEAH, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? YOU’VE BEEN ACTING LIKE
A WEIRDO ALL DAY. – SO YOU MEAN THE ILLUSION… [dramatic music] HAS JUST BEEN AN ILLUSION? IT’S LITERALLY LIKE I’M TALKING
TO MYSELF RIGHT NOW. [dog whimpers] – NO, GET OFF OF ME!
– STOP, STOP. I’M FARMING. MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY
IS A DOUCHEBAG! [gunshot] OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS. THE ILLUSION JUST SHOT
MY GIRLFRIEND IN HER FACE. REAL DEAD. IF YOU’RE SCORING AT HOME, THAT’S OUR SECOND
DAVID FINCHER PARODY TO DATE.