WHILE THE DEMOCRATS DEBATED IN
IOWA, TRUMP TRIED TO STEAL THE LIMELIGHT BY HOLDING A “KEEP
AMERICA GREAT” RALLY UP IN MILWAUKEE. TRUMP KICKED THINGS OFF WITH A
MOVE FROM SPEECHWRITING 101.>>AND YOUR GREAT GREEN BAY
PACKERS ARE PLAYING SAN FRANCISCO THIS WEEKEND.( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOOD LUCK. SO, DO WE HAVE ANY GREEN BAY
PACKER FANS HERE TONIGHT?>>Stephen: YOU CAN’T ASK A
CROWD IN MILWAUKEE IF THEY ARE GREEN BAY PACKER FANS. THAT IS THE CHEAPEST PLOY FOR
APPLAUSE. MY AUDIENCE WOULD NEVER FALL FOR IT, BECAUSE
THEY’RE THE SMARTEST, MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD,
AM I RIGHT?! OH, YEAH! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT KILLING SOLEIMANI, AND HAD HIGH, IF
STRANGE, PRAISE FOR OUR MILITARY.>>THESE GUYS WERE BETTER THAN
TOM CRUISE AT HIS BEST.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“BETTER AT FLYING JETS THAN TOM CRUISE IN ‘TOP GUN.’
BETTER AT MAKING COCKTAILS THAN TOM CRUISE IN ‘COCKTAIL.’
BETTER– BETTER AT RAINING MEN THAN TOM CRUISE IN ‘RAIN MAN.'”
“BETTER AT INTERVIEWING VAMPIRES THAN…” THEN TRUMP DUG INTO SPECIFICS
LIKE “WHEN IS NOW?”>>AND IS THERE EVER, EVER A
BETTER PLACE TO BE THAN A TRUMP RALLY ON SOME NIGHT DURING SOME
WEEK?( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: HE REALLY HAS NO IDEA WHAT DAY IT IS.( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP) “I’LL NEVER FORGET THE WONDERFUL
NIGHT AND/OR DAY WE’RE HAVING HERE IN UNNAMED SCREAMING PLACE,
U.S.A.” GO, UNNAMED TEAM!”
THEN, THE PRESIDENT RAMBLED ON ABOUT STUFF HE LIKED.>>YOU KNOW, I LIKE GOLF, AND I
LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN. I DON’T THINK I COULD TALK TO
SOMEBODY ABOUT THEM FOR 45 MINUTES THAT I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL GRANDCHILD,
HE IS REALLY BEAUTIFUL, HE IS SO GREAT. OKAY, WHAT ELSE AM I GOING TO
SAY? RIGHT?>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I LOVE MY GRANDCHILDREN, WHO DEFINITELY HAVE NAMES, WHICH I
KNOW, AND WHO WERE BORN ON SOME NIGHT DURING SOME WEEK, SOME
PLACE.”( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Jon: OVER-THE-RAINBOW.>>Stephen: TRUMP SPECULATED ON
HOW THE WORLD WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF A DEMOCRAT HAD BEEN ELECTED
IN 2016.>>YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BOUGHT ALL
THOSE BRAND-NEW “KEEP AMERICA GREAT” HATS.>>Stephen: HE’S RIGHT. NO, NO, THAT CHECKS OUT. YES, WE HAVE PAID A PRICE:
AMERICA’S LOSS OF STANDING IN THE WORLD, THE DESTRUCTION OF
OUR CONSTITUTIONAL NORMS, MASSIVE AND FLAGRANT
CORRUPTION… BUT HATS.( LAUGHTER )
THEN TRUMP LAUNCHED INTO HIS FAVORITE TOPIC: HOUSEHOLD
APPLIANCES.>>I BROUGHT BACK THE OLD LIGHT
BULB.>>Stephen: NOTHING– NOTHING
MAKES YOU SOUND LIKE AN OLD MAN MORE THAN SCREAMING “I BROUGHT
BACK THE OLD LIGHT BULB! IT WAS IN THE GARAGE. IT WAS IN THE GARAGE BY THE
THING WITH THE BOX WITH THE PINE CONES AND LAST YEAR’S TINSEL! HEY, CLOSE THAT DOOR! I’M NOT PAYING TO AIR CONDITION
THE NEIGHBORHOOD HERE!” TRUMP WASN’T AFRAID TO TALK
ABOUT THE HOTBUTTON ISSUES– LIKE DISHWASHER EFFICIENCY.>>I’M ALSO APPROVING NEW
DISHWASHERS THAT GIVE YOU MORE WATER SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY WASH
AND RINSE YOUR DISHES WITHOUT HAVING TO DO IT TEN TIMES. FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT,
NINE, 10!>>Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, WE
CANNOT LET THIS GUY BECOME PRESIDENT. SECOND–
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
THAT JUST CAN’T HAPPEN.>>Jon: NO! NOT AT ALL!>>Stephen: JUST CAN’T. SECOND, NOBODY DOES THAT. NOW THIS IS– IT’S ALL MADE UP. AND, THIRD, I’M GOING TO SAY, WE
SHOULD NOT TAKE DISHWASHER ADVICE FROM A MAN WHO EATS EVERY
MEAL OUT OF A CARDBOARD BUCKET. IN THE END–
( APPLAUSE )
IN THE END– CARDBOARD BUCKET! IN THE END, TRUMP GOT REALLY
UPSET WITH THE MEDIA FOR… REPORTING THINGS.>>ANYTHING I SAY THAT’S EVEN
SLIGHTLY FALSE, IT’S HEADLINES. “TRUMP SAID THIS”– THESE
PEOPLE, “HE SAID THIS.”>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“EVERY TIME I LIE, THE MEDIA’S LIKE ‘THAT’S A LIE!’
I’M LIKE, ‘NO LIE.’ WHY CAN’T YOU LIE ABOUT MY
LIES? THESE PEOPLE, WITH THE EARS AND
THE FINGERS.”( LAUGHTER )
THE DEBATE AND TRUMP’S SPEECH WEREN’T THE ONLY NEWS TODAY. BECAUSE WE’RE ALSO AT THE
BRINK OF THE PRESIDENT’S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IN THE SENATE. I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
TONIGHT’S EDITION OF “DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH.”>>TELL ME WHAT I DID, PLEASE! LAUZ
>>Stephen: WHEN LAST WE MET, THERE WAS A STANDOFF PITTING
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI AGAINST SENATE MAJORITY LEADER
AND GOOGLEY EYES GLUED ON AN UNCOOKED CHICKEN THIGH, MITCH
McCONNELL. McCONNELL OPPOSES HAVING
WITNESSES IN TRUMP’S SENATE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, AND IN
RESPONSE, PELOSI REFUSED TO SEND OVER THE ARTICLES OF
IMPEACHMENT. BUT NOW SHE’S READY TO MOVE
AHEAD, AFTER POINTING OUT ONE INESCAPABLE TRUTH:
>>THIS PRESIDENT IS IMPEACHED FOR LIFE, REGARDLESS OF ANY
GAMESMANSHIP ON THE PART OF MITCH McCONNELL. THERE IS NOTHING THE SENATE CAN
DO THAT CAN EVER ERASE THAT.>>Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
“I CAN’T ERASE IT, BUT IF I USE MY MAGIC MARKER I CAN CHANGE IT
TO THE ‘FARTICLES OF IMPOOP-MENT.’
( LAUGHTER )
LEGACY SECURE, NANCE.”( LAUGHTER )
HIGH-BROW JOKES!( APPLAUSE )
I LOVE IT. COME ON! ON, MARK YOUR CALENDARS, BECAUSE
TODAY MITCH McCONNELL ANNOUNCED THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL WILL START
NEXT TUESDAY. TO WHICH THE PRESIDENT
RESPONDED: (AS TRUMP)
“I’M SORRY, MITCH, THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR ME. I HAVE SOMETHING ON TUESDAY, IT
SAYS HERE: TACO.” WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.